Sitting in my back yard surrounded by fencing and the drone of filtered air from all directions, pondering my spot right then and there..on this planet... I suddenly knew that what I needed was water, to be in it, surrounded by its placental goodness.  

I prefer lakes or oceans but pools will do, there is a sudden release of all the negative energy that seeps into my life, I can let it all go there.  

Why do I forget this and deprive myself of this joy?  

I fear that I have become a self flagellater, maybe not inflicting these wounds, but not tending to them as necessary, not protecting myself from the sharpness of others.

Turtles swim.

.....Alas the splash and the soaring  the liberation of the water, i swear it lights me back up. reinforces my force field, my invisible shell.

where's my hair clip?

Why is it that after a day of cute breakfasts, enriching learning activities, giggling, crying, and all of the other wonderful and exhausting activities that surround living with a toddler...do I turn into mean mommy at bedtime?  Did I just answer my own question?

I feel so good about so many of the things that I do as a mommy, but those last moments of me gritting my teeth over yet another refrain of "mommy loves me" (set to the tune of Jesus loves me)...then insert everyone we know per the request of a little one who has quickly caught on to stall tactics.  How can I deny him?  But alas I must, being bullied sucks, but feeling bullied by a little person sucks even more...NO MORE SONGS thats IT!...

"OK mommy, sweet dreams"  It breaks my heart that little voice, but he knows when the mean mommy tones comes out...how soon they learn, and us I suppose.

I have memories of hot summers (no AC just box fans)  my mom was the best...crafty picnicing montessori le leche league nurturer, but when her hair went up in a clip that was it...look out.  And we knew.

And now Elias knows, just 2 rotations around the sun and my boy is such a sponge for everything. 

my new mantra.....

May the contents of the days override the evenings' grittings.